Warning – This blog entry contains fairly explicit sexual language. Please don’t read this, Mom. ❤
For whatever reason, I’ve never been at a loss when it came to male attentions. I’m guessing it’s because I have a vagina. I think there are many men who really have no shame, and will have sex with anybody that will have them. That being said, it’s never really been an issue. Relationships, on the other hand, have always been more difficult.
I remember actually being in the midst of making out with a guy and he said ” You have such a pretty face. I’d date you if you lost some weight.” Charming dude right there. Makes me want to drown a kitten. I’ve also been on the other end of the spectrum, where I’ve been almost fetishized, like some sort of side-show freak. And there have been guys that fell somewhere in the middle.
My size has become an issue in regard to intimacy, for a couple of reasons. I guess it always has been, but in some cases it was more glaring than others.
BIg girl + Big guy = Failure waiting to happen.
The worst part about it? We got along so well in every other way. He was a biologist with the same assholey sense of humor I have. And he was brilliant. But he found a smaller woman and married her. Is it wrong that I smiled a little bit when I found out she stopped having sex with him less than a year after they got married? 🙂
I’ve also dated a few really thin guys, and while I know this is ALL ON ME, I felt horribly uncomfortable being in public with them. Like every stranger we walked past was silently judging us. Years ago, I was head over heels for a guy who was three inches shorter than me, and built like a brick shithouse. Not an ounce of fat on the man. He loved me, but his buddies gave him crap about being with me, and that, of course, made everything uncomfortable. I recall being in a bar one night, and when I went to the ladies room, a total stranger asked him why he was with me. He was too stunned to answer, but one of his “friends” told him “You know how the old saying goes..Fatty and Skinny. Who knows why we love who we love, right?” And in his eyes, he was standing up for me!!
I don’t know will happen after I have the surgery. I’m not currently “involved” with anyone, so I don’t have to worry about having a husband or boyfriend who will have to get accustomed to the new, smaller me. I think that’s a bonus. But I can’t help but wonder how my brain is going to react to not being the “fat girl with a pretty face”. I guess that’s just something else I will have to work out. Thank goodness for support groups!
Whatever happens, I’m still so excited for what’s to come. I feel like I’m ready to burst out of my self-imposed cocoon to become the butterfly I’ve always known I am.
Be kind to each other..