Here it is. The first in what I hope will be many entries in this online journal. I really have no idea how this will turn out, but I’m really anxious and excited for my journey to start. My hope is that by chronically my own steps to a healthier life, I might help others in similar situations. Some of the posts may be graphic and hard to read at times, but I’ll only post what I truly believe needs put out there. Anyone who knows me knows that I can be salty and my language more than a little coarse, so be prepared for a bumpy ride.
I thought my first post should be a what started it all- the Facebook post. I was profoundly moved by the responses of support and encouragement. I had a conversation with a former classmate who wished he’d done more to defend me in the face of cruel bullying I experienced. I was truly touched, and continue to be.
Here’s the post:
So lately I’ve been posting about some medical issues I’ve had, and I’ve also made a few cryptic posts as well. So here’s the real poop:
After much thought and soul searching, I’ve decided to have Bariatric surgery. It’s always been hard for me to talk about, even though it’s always been the gorilla in the corner. I’ve been picked on, teased, dare I say even bullied about my weight for literally as long as I can remember. Beef, tits, fatass, Bertha are just a few of the names I was called in middle and high school. As I got older, people I cared about used my weight to hurt me in the most callous way possible.
My weight has limited me in many ways over the years as well. I’ve wanted nothing more in the last two years than to go with my daughter Mariah to an Avett Brothers show, but the pain has kept me from going. I have severe osteoarthritis in my left knee. I have no cartilage left. I need my knee replaced. At 46 years old. I’m in pain every damned day. And will be until I lose this weight.
So, I’m having surgery. I went to a bariatric surgery seminar last week and decided I have to do it. So, I started the ball rolling. I’ve got an appointment made with a wonderful surgeon who’s done over 2200 bariatric procedures. I’m setting up appointments with a nutritionist for monthly weight checks. I’m working on finding someone to do my psych eval. As my ortho guy said today, I’m doing everything the right way.
Now, I’m sure there are some of you out there who think “she got herself fat, why doesn’t she just buckle down and do the work and get it done.” I’ve tried. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Years ago, a therapist told me that because of a childhood trauma I’d suffered, and the isolation I felt as a result of that, compounded by the bullying, that I built a physical wall of fat to keep people from getting close to me, figuratively and literally. After years of therapy, and some horrible bouts of depression, I’m in a great place psychologically. My head and heart are happier than I’ve been in, probably, all my life. I’ve chosen to surround myself with people that care about me, and don’t bring me down. If you feel you fit in the group, great! I’m glad to have you there. If not, feel free to unfriend me. No hard feelings, but I need positivity now and for the next months and years to come. I’m sure I’ll be making a lot of posts about my journey and all it encompasses, and if you get tired of it, I’m sorry. But I’m taking care of me, because I have to be around to see my daughters get married. To become a grandmother. I want to be the best me I can be, and it starts now.
#Doingrightbyme #MyBestMe #BeKind
— at My Happy Place .